Revenge of the Dorks

When you reach the top, it's inevitable that people will try to knock you down. We at Captain's Blog have recently come to experience that sad fact firsthand. After quickly shooting into the upper echelons of the blogosphere we have become the target of jealous and frustrated bloggers across the internet. Here is a sample letter* recently sent to our headquarters:

Dear Captains Blog,

You suck! 

Sincerely,

The loyal minions of the Wizard's Lair 

ps: pwned!

It's just sad. Totally understandable, but sad none the less. They see the innovative polling features, the hard-hitting fried chicken journalism, the high-tech widgetry and jealousy ensues. Blog-envy affects all of us. But rather than let the resentfulness simmer and become something ugly, why not view it as a challenge? A call to action to step up your own game. Because I got news for you, internets, Captain's Blog isn't going anywhere. So just sit back and enjoy the ride.

*letter fabricated for dramatic effect

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!
Man cannot live on chicken alone.

In a historic voter turnout the readers of Captain's Blog recently voted overwhelmingly not to limit the content of the blog to fried chicken alone. By a staggering margin of 2-1 the people demanded we continue the diverse content offering that has quickly built Captain's Blog into a power-house within the blogosphere.

But where do we go with this new mandate? There's only one place to go...to the future!

Long time readers of Captain's Blog know that we're acclaimed within the internet community for introducing a wide range of butt-hole puckering technological advances.

ie) The "The Red House Red Alert" <--- (that's a hyperlink, another exciting innovation!)

In the past few days we've rolled out an exciting array of new features that allow you to connect with Captain's Blog across a wide range of platforms. It's a little "thank-you" from the staff at Captain's Blog to all our loyal readers.

You're Welcome.

*Stay tuned for more exciting technological innovations*

Explosive Captain's Blog Exposé!

Biscuit Corridor vs. Chicken Mafia

The dirty secret Chick-Fil-A doesn't want you to know

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Anybody who has driven vast stretches of I-85 knows that they are the fertile heartlands of Chicken USA. I like to refer to it as the "Biscuit Corridor". A veritable who's who of the fried chicken world is represented on the great highway between Atlanta and Raleigh. It is truly a great place to be a lover of fried chicken.

For my money, there exists a holy trinity of fast food fried-chicken joints: Bojangles, Chick-fil-a, and Zaxby's. They form a perfect, yet delicate, balance in this world. Between the three, any specific craving you have for fried-chicken can be satisfied.

But that delicate balance is being upset. And it's an inside job.

That's right, Chick-fil-a has created an impenetrable chicken-forcefield around the city of Atlanta! It is a nefarious plot to keep out the competition. It's unfair, and at its deepest roots it's downright un-American.

Consider the evidence:

Exhibit A: Locations of Bojangles between Raleigh and Atlanta.

Exhibit B: Locations of Zaxby's between Raleigh and Atlanta

Exhibit C: Locations of Chick-fil-a between Raleigh and Atlanta

Seems like a pretty even distribution right?

But let's take a disturbing look at the local Atlanta chicken distribution:

Exhibit D: Atlanta Bojangles Locations

Exhibit E: Atlanta Zaxby's Locations

Exhibit F: Atlanta Chick-fil-a Locations

Notice a trend?

I am asserting that Chick-fil-a has formed an illegal monopoly in the city of Atlanta. It could be the work of mafia-esque tactics on the part of Chick-fil-a, or it could be the strong arm of the peanut oil union.

Either way, they must be stopped.

The Top Five Fast-Food Chicken Sandwiches of All Time

1. Zaxby's Chicken Tender Club

Perfection.  I don't really know where to start the accolades: the perfect crispiness of the tenders, the buttery texas toast, and that sweet sweet Zax sauce.  Oh yea, there's bacon on it too.

2. Bojangle's Southern Filet Biscuit

For me Bojangles was definitely "gateway chicken".  I'd always enjoyed fried chicken before, but after Bojangles it began to teeter more into the realm of obsession.

3. Chick-fil-A's Classic Chicken Sandwich

The beauty of this sandwich lays in its simplicity.  Could be further up the list if it was possible to enjoy on Sunday, the official day of fried chicken.  On a side-note; is it just me or is there something oddly mesmerizing about that bun?

4. Arby's Chicken, Bacon, & Swiss

This is the real sleeper on the list.  Most people don't think chicken when they're thinking Arby's, but this sandwich is a real winner.  Pairs particularly well with curly fries.

5. Wendy's Spicy Chicken Sandwich

The first fast food chicken sandwich that I bypassed a burger for. However, I have to say that I preferred it with the classic Wendy's plain bun over the new standard kaiser rolls.  Unfortunately Wendy's has really fallen off over the last couple of years.  They've been in a prolonged slump ever since Dave went to the big salad bar in the sky.  

* Honorable Mention: Wendy's Monterey Chicken Ranch

Go here http://bringbackthewendyschickensandwich.com/sign/sign.aspx to sign the petition to bring back this wonderful sandwich.

Captain's Blog Technological Innovations: Part I

Me and some of the eggheads from down in the IT Department have been busy at work trying to figure out a way to drive more traffic to the blog. We've come to the conclusion that focusing on high-tech innovations for the site seems the logical course of action. Ed, our youth culture consultant, suggested that we start a Twitter feed or create some sort of neat Facebook app. I immediately round house kicked Ed in the groin, and that's when a little red light-bulb went on over my head:

"The Road House Red Alert"

The way that it works is basically this: Anytime that Patrick Swayze's "Road House" is being broadcast on TBS, an emergency red light in the corner of the page will be activated. Thus alerting viewers to stop what they are doing and tune into Swayze's magnum opus.

By this point Ed had gathered his breath and suggested that this actually encourages people to stop reading the blog and instead turn on their tv's. He also put forth the consideration that because "Road House" was constantly being shown on TBS, that Captain's Blog would be continuously interrupted...thus earning Ed the dreaded spinning round house kick to the testicles / trachea karate-chop combo.

Then I very cooly said, "Ed...more like, Dead". The Swayze would've been proud.

Road House (Theatrical Trailer)

*Stay tuned for more exciting technological innovations*

Dear Santa...

And now for something completely different...

Today we'll stray from discussing my gastronomical exploits and shoot for something slightly more high-minded. There's a new documentary in theaters that I'm looking forward to checking out, it's called "Anvil". It follows the exploits of a washed up Canadian heavy-metal band that is still kicking it even though fame passed them up over 2 decades ago. So in honor of Anvil I present you with my favorite documentaries of all time:

1. American Movie

2. Trekkies

3. The King of Kong (A Fistful of Quarters)

4. Spellbound

5. Darkon