Chickin' it in the ATL: Part 1

Welcome to Part 1 of a new ongoing series here at Captain's Blog, "Chickin' it in the ATL", where we'll attempt to de-bone the crowded Atlanta fried chicken landscape. We're not talking any jive drive-through turkey here, we're only going to tackle Atlanta institutions famous for flipping some tasty bird.

The Captain's Blog "Department of Assessing And Assigning Numerical Grades" (or "DAAANG" for short) has developed a fail-proof rating system. Each restaurant will earn anywhere from 1-5 napkins, with 5 being the highest mark. As a control, it has been determined that Publix fried chicken is 2.5 napkins.

So without further ado, entry #1 of "Chickin' it in the ATL":



The Colonnade is an Atlanta tradition, dating back to 1927. But you didn't come here for a history lesson. You came for the chicken. And here it is:



The standard fried chicken dinner includes 4 hefty pieces. I opted for the breast, thigh, wing & leg combo. For those keeping track at home that's half a bird. The skin was light, politely seasoned and fried a delicious golden-brown. Very tasty. I give it high marks, but I know that somewhere out there a finer frier exists.

Verdict: 4 Napkins

Feast Your Eyes on This

In an epic collaboration between two web giants, Captain's Blog and the Daily Hat have joined forces to bring you "Double Down or Bust". 

The "sandwich" is damn tasty indeed. But be warned, it is deadly. I would go so far as to say that the Double Down is not fit for weekdays, or anytime where any sort of prolonged productivity will be required after consumption. 

After exhaustive (mostly from the food coma) debate at the Captain's Blog headquarters, we have concluded that the Double Down does indeed belong amongst the Top 5 Fast-Food Chicken Sandwiches of all Time . It's final ranking can only be concluded from repeat performances, but for the time being we have decided that is has bumped the Arby's Chicken, Bacon & Swiss off the list. But don't get cocky Colonel, you still have a lot of room for improvement in the customer service and proper side item temperature control departments.

Thanks again to the Daily Hat, and keep your peepers peeled for future collaborations. 

BREAKING NEWS

The infamous KFC "sandwich" The Double Down is being rolled out across the nation on April 12th. Shrouded in secrecy and formerly available only in select test markets, the Double Down consist of two fried-chicken filets serving as the buns to the bacon, cheese, and special sauce inner medley. 

Now the question on everyone's mind is obviously this: where, if at all, will the Double Down fall on the sacred and authoritative Captain's Blog "Top 5 Fast-Food Chicken Sandwiches of All Time" list? (review here) 

First of all, let me say that I am sick and tired of all the free merchandise that KFC has been sending to try to gain our favor. You can't fling a dead chicken in the Captain's Blog headquarters without hitting some KFC swag. The potato-wedge shaped fanny pack, Colonel Saunders' weeble-wobble, and giant biscuit bean-bag chair can't buy you a spot on the Top 5. But I like your style. 

Barring full cardiac arrest, massive food coma, or epic mud butt; expect a full report come April 13th.

Short Fiction courtesy the Captain's Blog Prose Department

"Rattlesnake Pete" the Repentant Lumberjack

Rattlesnake Pete was once the most fearsome and notorious axe-man to stalk the planet. But then one day he suffered a near death experience after a giant Douglas Fir he had just felled crashed upon him. It was only then that he truly felt the power of nature's majesty, and realized he had to dedicate his life to protecting the planet. Racked with guilt for his years of tree-slaughtering, Rattlesnake Pete shaved his beard in an ultimate act of retribution. He then promptly donated it to Locks of Love. Now his voracious appetite for pancakes is matched only by his hunger for justice.

As you can imagine, the lumberjack world is not any easy place for an eco-warrior. Unable to reach out to his lumber-brethren for advice, and cut off from much of civilization, the Planet Green television network serves as an important lifeline to the green movement for Rattlesnake Pete. 

Buoyed by the knowledge he has received from Planet Green, Pete now plans to invite his old work buddies "Hambone" Smith, "Cruel Face" Johnson, and "Tin Can" Charlie over for a nice organic luncheon of Strawberry Bruschetta with Targon Syrup and Pickled Kale Stems with Garlic Scapes.

Revenge of the Dorks

When you reach the top, it's inevitable that people will try to knock you down. We at Captain's Blog have recently come to experience that sad fact firsthand. After quickly shooting into the upper echelons of the blogosphere we have become the target of jealous and frustrated bloggers across the internet. Here is a sample letter* recently sent to our headquarters:

Dear Captains Blog,

You suck! 

Sincerely,

The loyal minions of the Wizard's Lair 

ps: pwned!

It's just sad. Totally understandable, but sad none the less. They see the innovative polling features, the hard-hitting fried chicken journalism, the high-tech widgetry and jealousy ensues. Blog-envy affects all of us. But rather than let the resentfulness simmer and become something ugly, why not view it as a challenge? A call to action to step up your own game. Because I got news for you, internets, Captain's Blog isn't going anywhere. So just sit back and enjoy the ride.

*letter fabricated for dramatic effect

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!
Man cannot live on chicken alone.

In a historic voter turnout the readers of Captain's Blog recently voted overwhelmingly not to limit the content of the blog to fried chicken alone. By a staggering margin of 2-1 the people demanded we continue the diverse content offering that has quickly built Captain's Blog into a power-house within the blogosphere.

But where do we go with this new mandate? There's only one place to go...to the future!

Long time readers of Captain's Blog know that we're acclaimed within the internet community for introducing a wide range of butt-hole puckering technological advances.

ie) The "The Red House Red Alert" <--- (that's a hyperlink, another exciting innovation!)

In the past few days we've rolled out an exciting array of new features that allow you to connect with Captain's Blog across a wide range of platforms. It's a little "thank-you" from the staff at Captain's Blog to all our loyal readers.

You're Welcome.

*Stay tuned for more exciting technological innovations*

Explosive Captain's Blog Exposé!

Biscuit Corridor vs. Chicken Mafia

The dirty secret Chick-Fil-A doesn't want you to know

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Anybody who has driven vast stretches of I-85 knows that they are the fertile heartlands of Chicken USA. I like to refer to it as the "Biscuit Corridor". A veritable who's who of the fried chicken world is represented on the great highway between Atlanta and Raleigh. It is truly a great place to be a lover of fried chicken.

For my money, there exists a holy trinity of fast food fried-chicken joints: Bojangles, Chick-fil-a, and Zaxby's. They form a perfect, yet delicate, balance in this world. Between the three, any specific craving you have for fried-chicken can be satisfied.

But that delicate balance is being upset. And it's an inside job.

That's right, Chick-fil-a has created an impenetrable chicken-forcefield around the city of Atlanta! It is a nefarious plot to keep out the competition. It's unfair, and at its deepest roots it's downright un-American.

Consider the evidence:

Exhibit A: Locations of Bojangles between Raleigh and Atlanta.

Exhibit B: Locations of Zaxby's between Raleigh and Atlanta

Exhibit C: Locations of Chick-fil-a between Raleigh and Atlanta

Seems like a pretty even distribution right?

But let's take a disturbing look at the local Atlanta chicken distribution:

Exhibit D: Atlanta Bojangles Locations

Exhibit E: Atlanta Zaxby's Locations

Exhibit F: Atlanta Chick-fil-a Locations

Notice a trend?

I am asserting that Chick-fil-a has formed an illegal monopoly in the city of Atlanta. It could be the work of mafia-esque tactics on the part of Chick-fil-a, or it could be the strong arm of the peanut oil union.

Either way, they must be stopped.